Friday, June 29, 2012

Jolly Part 1


It vas a veek and a half after St. Nicholas' Day and zis vas not Bavaria.

It vas not Europe at all. But it vas the only place humans still gathered. So it vould have to do.

I trailed my gloved fingers through Brittany's mane and my steed clopped forward, soft vite among ze falling snow flakes. She stepped gingerly among zem, prancing forvard thoughtfully. She had been mine for ze last thirty years. Hopefully, she vould last thirty more.

Zings had changed since ze last snow fall. So many rules. Only vere humans are, only ven it snows. Bah. Foolishness.

But first tings first. Bartel and Krampus vould be here. Ze needed to be retrained. Too many years of running rampant vould have spoiled dere zweet dispositions.

At least dey vouldn't be hard to find.

A juvenile deliquent raced past me, pursued by a large man vearing a tortoise shell, green skin, and valrus tusks.

Perhaps finding zem vould be a little more difficult zen anticipated.

I unfurled my vip, Stimme, and it began to sing, humming a slow dirge. It vas alvays depressed zis time of year. I flipped my long, blonde locks out of my eyes and lashed my vip around the turtle man's right leg.

My vip sank its teeth into his leg joyfully, cinching tight. Vis a jerk, I pulled him off of his feet and began to reel the stout man towards me.

"Vhere is Krampus and Bartel?"

Stuttered. Garbled. Lisped.

"Who's Krampus and Barbel?"

"Zat is Bartel you moron. Zey are my assistants. Zey escaped and I am looking for zem."

"I got no idea what yer talking about. How bout you make this whip let go of my leg and I'll just get out of your way."

By now ze delinquent vas vatching. How tiresome.

"Very vell. Be glad zey are not vis me or you vould be accompanying me."

I twisted my wrist and Stimme fell away from his leg. The blue of frostbite barely touched his skin and the velt left by my vip's crystal teeth vas unimpressive. Clutching at his vound, he half crawled, half ran avay. How unfortunate I didn't have my sack vis me.

The deliquent child slowly valked up to me.

"Misser, are you a knight?"

Misser? Akin to messer I zuppose. Sir would've been better. But, in zis day and age, who vas I to argue?

"I am a knight of a sort, child. Have you been bad or good zis year?"

"Been good as I can be, what with that freak chasing me around for his cut."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Good as he could be, eh? It vould never be ze old days again, vould it?

"Then Joshua, (he appeared to be suprised zat I knew his name) you shall receive your present vhen ze time comes."

He nodded and pointed to Stimme.

"What's 'at whip made out of?"

I leaned towards him, dangling my vip before his very eyes.

"It is the tongue of a frost vyrm."

"A frost vyrm? You mean wyrm? Like, a dragon?"


I leaned closer.

"He vas very naughty."

The child's eyes vere vide now.

"Now young vun, vould you be zo kind as to direct me to Krampus and Bartel?"

"What do zey, I mean they look like?"

"Oh, thirteen feet tall, covered in fur, horns curling out from der temples, massive claws... and bells."


"Oh yes, many bells, tied into der fur vis red ribbons. It is how I know vhere zey are. It vould seem zey just arrived before I vas expecting zem zis time."

Ze boy was standing there with his mouth hanging open, eyes drooping vide. And I thought he zaid he was a good vun.

A crash splintered the cool night and made the snow shiver. A man's shrill scream. A thick, hairy voice.

"Have you been naughty? I hope you haven't been naughty. If you've been naughty, I'll be angry."

"Zank you anyway boy! It zounds like zey've found us instead."

I vaved goodbye to ze lad and kicked my heels into Brittany's side.

"Ja! Ja!"

She took off into a gallop and ve raced down the street, clopping and clapping across the asphalt. Ve hated asphalt. Give us dirt roads and thick trees. Give us our Black Forest back. Bah.

We vheeled around the corner of Hubble and Gin Blossom streets, dodged a speeding electric car, and skidded to a halt.

Krampus stood, horns tvisting into the night sky, eyes gleaming red. In vun of his claws he held a very fat man whose fat squished out between Krampus' fingers. In ze other, vere three ladies of ze oldest profession. Too bad it vasn't legal or moral.


"I hope you haven't been naughty. Krampus will crush the naughty."

"Krampus! Behave yourself! Vhere is the sack?"

He looked up at me vis his bear-head and dropped his catches to ze ground.

"Shiny white and blue man. Have you been naughty?"

I sighed again. It vas becoming a habit.

Apparently zey had forgotten more zen I vas expecting. Oh vell.

"Vhat do you zink? I am here to punish and praise vis you and Bartel. Vhere is he?"

Krampus scratched his bat ears with an index claw, tilting his head, vatching me. Moron.

"You beat me with the shiny whip before. You hurt me. I don't like you cause you're naughty. Naughty man."

I unfurled Stimme vunce more. Bah.

Ve didn't have time for zis.

It was already ze 19th of December and ve didn't even have ze toys set.

Krampus vas charging at me, cracking asphalt and sidewalk beneath his cumbersome feet.

"Vell then, if you must. But let's make zis quick. Ve can't keep everyvun vaiting, now can we?"

The big fool continued charging at me. I stood on Brittany's saddle and lashed Stimme across his nose as ve rode past him. Ze vip left a great bloody red velt along his nose, coating it vis just the slightest touch of ice. Krampus snarled and tried to vhirl about as ve continued past.

He was too big to vhirl and vun of his vings clipped a lightpost. Krampus snagged the falling post vis a great claw and swung it like a hammer at me.

"Brittany, circus vide. Stimme, melody six."

As Brittany vheeled around vunce more, Stimme began to sing again, a soothing lullaby zis time. Brittany rode straight at Krampus as he swung the lightpost at me, trying to bat me into any building near us.

I leapt from Brittany's saddle and landed on ze post as she darted between his legs. I caught my feet and ran up ze post. A leap into ze air and two deft cracks of Stimme.

I landed on Krampus' back as he started to fall, two bright blue lines slashed into his hide. As he landed, I sighed and started searching along his back.

Dere, at ze shoulderblade. Ze lock. I pulled ze key from my pocket, pushed it in, and turned it vis a click. Ze chains erupted from all sides of ze lock, wrapping around Krampus, binding him tightly.

"Now zen, if you be good and understand zat ve are working together, I will release zem enough so that you can help. In fact, after your done, I'll turn you loose in the woods somevhere and let you go vild vis dose chains. Understood?"

Krampus nodded, sobbing softly.

"Krampus naughty."

About time. Moron.

As Brittany rode up next to me, I grabbed ze pommel of my saddle and pulled myself up. Steel buildings, tarred roads, electric everyzing.

Zis... Chrysalis Falls... Such an odd place indeed.

Zere was a howl from down the street, ze flapping of great wings.

"Have you been naughty?"

I sighed. I needed to stop zat.

Here ve go again.

My schedule vas ruined.

Such is life.

No comments:

Post a Comment